Datsyuk was all smiles and not looking at the camera at the draft (Getty Images)

Screw the NFL, NBA, NHL, MLS and any other draft out there. If you want maximum amounts of awkwardness, suspense as players fall into the later rounds and useless commentary from “analysts” who have no idea because no one can possibly have any idea, the NHL All-Star Game Fantasy Draft is the only draft you need.

Foreign guys who barely speak English had to be interviewed. Twenty-something kids who were visibly getting uncomfortable as the thing dragged on uselessly were plentiful. The announcer whose name I consciously chose not to remember because it wasn’t worth it added a whole new dimension with his sometimes corny, sometimes legitimately funny jokes and his sometimes terrible, sometimes tough, one-question interviews. Being able to hear the obviously intoxicated crowd’s taunts clearly was enough to push it over the top by itself.

But then, at the end of it all, an NHL player (Logan Couture) making millions of dollars a year was given a crappy Honda.

It was one of the most entertaining stretches in television all year.

But what this is the Detroit Hustle, so let’s evaluate the local prospects. The Red Wings had two guys, Pavel Datsyuk and Jimmy Howard in the draft.

Datsyuk was the mildly surprising first overall pick, going to Team Chara. Zdeno, in his thick Slovakian said Datysuk, “I love da way he plays the game.” and added later on that Pavel, “Just does magic on the ice.” It was a good way for Datysuk’s performance to start.

Then he walked out, strutting confidently, took a hard look to the left and came in HARD with a firm handshake to Chara. Probably the best walk-out performance of the night.

His one-question interview on whether he was surprised was a little rough:

“I appreciate it to be this pick. I’m happy with the team. Yeah, I’m surprised.”

At that point his team only consisted of him, Chara and assistant captain Joffrey Lupul.

Yet, his permanently plastered smile that was kind of warm at the beginning but increasingly turned creepy throughout the night more than made up for the interview. It was a legendary performance for Datsyuk.

Jimmy Howard, on the other hand, was a little rougher. He started out strong. Very strong. Inconsistent-announcer-guy walked into the players’ holding pen before the draft even started. As he walked through the blacked out room with the red and blue tables, he mentioned Phil Kessel. The Ottawa crowd booed. As the camera walked down an aisle, Jimmy leaned back in his chair and just snuck into in the camera frame on the right side. He then came in with a creepy smile and started laughing.

It was the funniest thing of the night.

But it was all downhill from there. Howard was the last goalie drafted, going in the 10th round (probably because all goalies had to be drafted by the 10th round) to Team Chara. He strolled out in a blue and white plaid-style shirt and black, skinny tie. Not a good look. The rest of his performance during the pick, and throughout the night, was forgettable. The only other thing I remember him doing from then on was an elbows-locked-in-at-a-90-degree-angle, no-wrist-movement, straight-hand clap during one of the later picks. He looked like the weird kid at the school assembly.

Luckily for Howard, in a night like this, his actions weren’t out of place. As cringe-worthy as they were, they added to the entertainment.

Anytime you take the equipment off and force hockey players to put on a show, it never goes well. And that’s what makes it so fun.

Artist's rendering of Fielder in a Tigers uniform

(We interrupt you regularly scheduled Red Wings shootout for a brief Tigers interlude.)

I don’t know if you’ve heard, but there’s this thing called sports. It stopped making sense a long time ago. Now, a fat man just got paid entirely too much to hit a ball really really far.

Prince Fielder doesn’t make sense. 5-foot-11, 275 pound people go on P90x, not on season-long home-run sprees. The 9 years don’t make sense. The $214 million (not including the increased postgame buffet costs) doesn’t make sense. Prince Fielder plays the same position as the Tigers’ best player. Neither can play anything else. It doesn’t fit together. For a Tigers fan, it’s awesome. It doesn’t make any sense, but it’s awesome.

So sit and come up with fake lineups. Go nuts with your buddies on a Saturday night. I give you full permission to cross that line between being cool and turning into the type of person you hate. Say “bro” a lot. High-five everybody. Get really loud and scream things at your neighbors that you think is funny but no else does. Try to figure out how Cabrera and Fielder could hit back-to-back grand slams. Talk about how awesome it is.

It’s probably pretty awesome for Prince too.

But let’s think about why he came to Detroit. He could have gotten at least similar money from the Nationals. If he wanted to go to a World Series contender he could have gone to the Yankees like every other player in the history of baseball who wants an easy ride to the Fall Classic, or even the Rangers, and had a better chance. He has more reasons not to go to the Tigers than not to.

Most of all: He hates his father. Like has said “my father is dead to me,” hates his father. It’s not as good of a story as you would expect. You can read about the feud here.

Prince wanted to hit 52 homers so his dad “can’t say anything,” because Cecil only had 51. Cecil has vowed never to go to the ballpark to watch his son. They want to separate themselves from each other. And Prince wants to separate himself on the field.

“People said…the only reason I got drafted was because of the name,” Fielder told ESPN.com in 2007. “That’s why I’m so passionate about playing. … One day I want people to mention my name and not have to mention his.”

So why would you go to the one team that will draw comparisons to your father?

It doesn’t make any sense. With Detroit locking him up for nine years, Prince is likely going to be a Tiger until he retires. At the very least he is going to spend his formative years in Detroit and then end his career bouncing from team to team as a washed up version of his former self.

Every long home run he hits will be compared with Cecil going off the roof at the old Tiger Stadium. When he reaches a season milestone, ESPN will have some crazy stat about how Prince and Cecil are the first father-son duo to hit 40 home runs for the same franchise.

Maybe Prince’s goal was to destroy any and all of Cecil’s records, so he would be wiped out of baseball history. Maybe he realizes that he’ll have to endure the comparisons to do that and is just thinking about the long term results. Maybe he’ll be on mission to hit 50 home runs a year so people forget about Cecil faster.

For the Tigers’ sake, you hope that’s the case, that he becomes this home-run hammering robot, lost in his own world, oblivious to his surroundings and that people are even asking him questions after the game.

Or maybe, just maybe, getting two extra years and $20 million makes you endure things a little longer than you originally wanted to.

(Previously: Todd Bertuzzi (including an update after Saturday night’s shootout))

These shootouts are getting ridiculous. In case you haven’t noticed, the Red Wings have won their last three games 3-2. All three victories have come by way of the shootout. I think the Red Wings are trying to tell me something. It’s gotten too easy for them. They need me to reveal their secrets.

I will. After the wildly successful Todd Bertuzzi entry into my shootout book, I’m moving on to the other book end of the shootout, the man who is always the Red Wings’ first shooter: Pavel Datsyuk. The starter.

The Basics: Datysuk is 2-for-5 in shootouts.

Goals: 11/25/11 @ Boston (Tuukka Rask), 1/12/12 @ Phoenix (Mike Smith)

Misses: 1/17/12 @ Dallas (Richard Bachman) — off the crossbar, 1/19/12 @ Phoenix (Mike Smith), 1/22/12 vs. Columbus (Curtis Sanford)

Datysuk shootout chart

The Strategy: For all the pub he gets for his “Datsyukian Dekes”, his shootout strategy is pretty predictable. He basically runs the triple option of the shootout. The key with the triple option in football is that every formation looks the same. By creating multiple options on every play, it’s hard for the defense to figure out who has the ball.

Nearly all of Datsyuk’s approaches are the same: Straight ahead, coasting in, stick handle to the backhand. This is where things get a little tricky. He either holds on to it and buries it with the backhand or gives a hard fake on the backhand then goes forehand. That’s pretty much it. The creativity that Bertuzzi has shown isn’t there with Datsyuk. Maybe he doesn’t need it. Maybe he doesn’t care. Whatever it is, the crazy “oh my god moments” don’t happen as much with Datysuk in the shootout.

Except when he pulls this out every now and then:

(Hah Hah HO! Suck on THAT!)

It usually happens a the exact moment you’re sure he’s about to use his backhand move.

The Takeaway: Beware of the backhand. It’s good. Also beware of the fake backhand. Datsyuk presents a lot of problems for an opposing goalie. The backhand shot is good enough to where a goalie has to cut down the angle, but if he over plays it and challenges out too far, Datsyuk’s just going to go back to the forehand and embarrass him. The strategy for a goalie would be to gain a lot of ice early, but not worry about getting a little deeper in the crease than usual to play the deke, because even when Datsyuk does stick to the backhand, he tends to wait and give a little fake before doing so.

Now, if Datsyuk does the backhand toe-drag move, the goalie is screwed. Just throw the old glove up and pray.

It worked for Mike Smith. (Hah Hah HO! Suck on THAT!)

Shootout Deadliness: 4 “OHHHH BA-BY!”s out of 5

Martin Brodeur was famous for having a book on all his shooters. Back in the day, when the Devils were in the midst of contending for Stanley Cups, Gary Thorne or Darren Pang or Barry Melrose had to mention how Brodeur studied where shooters liked to go at least once a period. It was in Brodeur’s contract.

Now in the age of shootouts and YouTube, we can all be our own mini-Marty Brodeurs, at least in regard to that post-overtime bonanza. So that’s my new goal. I’m going to be Martin Brodeur of the internet. I’ll start with the Red Wings. With Detroit being 4-0 in shootouts and coming off back-to-back wins by shootout, other teams need my help.

Today, the first entry in by book: Todd Bertuzzi. The closer.

The Basics: Bertuzzi is 2-for-4 in shootouts this season. Both goals won the game for Detroit.

Goals: 11/25/11, @ Boston (Tuukka Rask), 1/19/12, @ Phoenix (Mike Smith)

Misses: 1/17/11 @ Dallas (Richard Bachman),* 1/22/12 vs. Columbus (Curtis Sanford)

Bertuzzi's shootout chart

The Strategy: Bertuzzi totally disregards everything his youth coaches told him. In every attempt but Columbus he starts out going wide to the right. Against the Blue Jackets he came out going extremely wide to the left. In going to the right this puts his forehand in the middle of the ice since he’s a lefty and forces the goalie to adjust to a different angle than normal, but it also restricts his options. If he was a Peewee, all he could do was either shoot or cut across the net. The angle makes it so, in theory, the place the puck can go in is the left side of the net.  But Bertuzzi isn’t a Peewee anymore and doesn’t have to listen to anybody. The majority of his shots have actually gone to the right side.

For how mean he looks, Bertuzzi is actually one of the more creative guys on the team (as opposed to Hudler, who really doesn’t have a move. But we’ll get to that at a later date). He negates the disadvantage of going wide by having a good enough shot to keep the goaltender off balance,* and then has a number of misdirection moves that he utilizes that actually bring him back to the right side, like the spin-o-rama he used last game to beat the Coyotes. But my favorite is the pivot, pivot back, put-it-right-where-he-came-from move he used to beat Boston and give Tuukka Rask a temper-tantrum in November:

*(His two misses: a little half slapshot vs. Dallas, which actually beat Bachman but went off the shaft of his stick, and a post against Columbus.)

The Takeaway: You know how Bertuzzi is going to start: he’s going WAY wide. You don’t know how he is going to finish. Bertuzzi’s creativeness makes his moves almost indefensible, because he takes away the advantage the goalie has when at the extreme angle. Almost.

If you ever find yourself having to stop a shootout attempt by Todd Bertuzzi, you’ll have to challenge and get ready with the pokecheck. As he comes across the net you may be able to poke it away if you’re quick enough, since he does have a tendency to deke more than shoot. But you can’t telegraph it. If you do, he’s just going to bury the shot. Other than that, just pray he misses.

Shootout deadliness: 5 “OHHHH BA-BY!“s out of 5 

1st period

19:01 Conklin’s in. Ah Oh. (Yes, it took me a minute to realize Ty Conklin was playing.)

18:43 It seems like 90% percent of the goals that go in in the NHL come when the defensemen poke checks and the offensive player shoots and it deflects off the blade. What would happen if defensemen just never went for the poke check once the puck passed the top of the circles?

17:00 Ken Daniels really needs to differentiate between Johnathon Ericcsson and Dallas’ Louie Eriksson. For a second I was confused on who was winning the races into the corner.

16:12 Larry Murphy: “Mike Babcock is rolling the lines tonight.” They’re four minutes into to the game, Murph. Calm down.

15:26 Commodore is slow. Just what the Red Wings need, another slow-footed defensemen.

14:46 Nice pass out in front by Dallas. Stuart gets beat to a puck in the defensive zone, which leads to a scoring chance. Let’s keep track of the lost foot races to the puck.

13:41 Holmstrom took a slap shot. LOL.

13:19 (Holmstrom buries a slap shot for Detroit’s first goal) Maybe I should stop thinking. To be fair he was inside the hashmarks when he let it go.

10:52 Ken Daniels gets way too excited for bad angle slap shots.

9:30 Janny Mursak set up that Holmstrom goal with a nice hustle play. Good on ya Janny.

9:01 Dallas scores on a slapper. Saw that one coming.

9:01 Goligolski scored it. He was on my fantasy team last year. Good fantasy player. Good last-name player.

None of his teammates knew Holmstrom could score like that.

6:33 Oh Jeez. Abdelkader, I’m not sure why you were the second man back in the zone, but good thing you were. That pass into the slot would have turned into a one-time goal if not for you.

4:44 Hudler rattled by a hit. It didn’t look that bad. Come on, Jiri. Oh never mind, he’s really in pain.

3:32 (Dallas scores on a rebound after a big shot from the point.) Eriksson scored with a broken stick. I’m not even mad, that was awesome. Lidstrom lost his man in front. Lidstrom was standing right next to him, he just got out muscled.

3:04 Eriksson’s been the best player on the ice and Dallas has been the better team so far.

0:41 Michigan beat Michigan State again? Three in a row, kids. Three in a row.

0:00 Not a good start for the Red Wings. That power play wasn’t very good to end the period.

2ndPeriod

18:15 (Just flipped back to the game). Wait, what? Hudler scored?

17:50 Murphy: “That was a fluke goal.” It all makes sense now.

17:06 PIPE SHOT!

17:01 The Red Wings are getting dominated. It’s a simple 2-1-2 forecheck, Dallas is just winning the races to the puck.

16:21 Which reminds me, I’m supposed to be counting how many times they are beaten to the puck. Ok. I’ll start right…now!

15:50 Mursak is a really sold name. That last ZAK syllable has a great bite to it. It’s really fun to say. MUR-ZAK

15:06 Meanwhile Dallas almost scores again.

14:52 MURRRR-ZAKKKK!

14:36 This game is available on HD. Not on my 10-year old Zenith TV.

12:33 Mursak didn’t get back fast enough, left that dude in slot. He ripped it off the glass. That’s always embarrassing.

12:28 Now Murphy and Ken are talking about Jan Mursak. It’s Jan Mursak night!

12:25 Pierre McGuire really is creepy.

11:57 Everyone talks about how Detroit drafts so well later in the draft. It’s great and all, but I personally would appreciate a first or second round pick panning out every now then. Even Jimmy Howard was looking a little iffy there for a second.

10:54 You have to feel really manly when you take a shot and break a guy’s stick like Kronwall just did.

10:40 Dallas was just playing the Family Guy  BIRD BIRD BIRD, BIRD is the WORD song. Is this real life?

9:14 White just got killed.

8:53 Cleary playing with Bertuzzi and Datsyuk. I like the switch Franzen hasn’t done anything all game.

8:53 Robidas on Dallas kind of looks like Jerome Iginla. I don’t think I’ve ever compared anybody to Jerome Iginla before.

7:02 What’s the patch on the Red Wings Jersey? I know they’ve been there a long time, but I haven’t really thought about it.

6:16 Ken and Murph are really bored. They just keep talking about the low draft pick success.

6:02 Can someone answer this question for me: Why don’t playoff stats count towards career totals? Ken mentions Datsyuk doesn’t have a hat trick in his career. Murph mentions that he has a hat trick in the playoffs though. Am I missing something? Are the playoffs not a part of your career?

3:52 Why would the Wings “love” to be able to resign Stuart, Larry? Is he really that irreplaceable?

3:17 Great move by Eric Nystrom.. The cut-to-the-middle, quick shot on the off wing move is a beauty. He probably learned that at Michigan.

The best part of this photo is that it looks like none of them are looking at each other.

2:33 Holmstrom gets a weird one-timer after the puck comes off the boards. He’s letting slappers go like he just learned how to do it early this morning.

1:07 The quick glove save and then slowly lower the glove move is pretty manly as well.

0:57 Datysuk just broke Souray’s ankles with a little cut and stop move. If this was street ball random people would be running on the court and celebrating right now.

0:15 That was an off-balance shot by Ian White.  Ken is right. No traffic in front. Easy save for old no name in goal for Dallas.

3rd Period

Just before puck drop: There’s no way Fox Sports Detroit pays money to send their own chopper to Dallas. Right? RIGHT? Tell me I’m right.

19:25 Oh wow. Conklin was really slow side to side. I think the Stars player was even surprised by how much time he had. He forget to pull the trigger until it was too late.

18:15 My throat Is really dry. I’m thirsty. But I keep going. I’m a warrior.

17:00 Even Larry Murphy noticed that Holmstrom is shooting the one timers and slap shots like it’s his job. I mean, it kind of is, but it kind of isn’t

16:26 Another one-timer for Holmstrom. Calm Down, Tomas.

16:12 That girl behind Mike Babcock has some nice dance moves. She also looks like she downed some alcoholic beverages tonight.

12:30 Stop smacking the glass you stupid drunk guy who is leaning over three people just to hit it like some monkey. The players don’t care about you.

11:51 WHITE! OH! REBOUND! OH! Nice glove Bachman. Nice glove.

11:11 Bachman’s quick. Nice pad stop on Filpulla. The lesson: You have to get it high.

10:42 Great Freakin power play by Detroit, but they had nothing to show for it.

10:14 Nice play Datysuk. Shoot it! Shoot it now! Nice stop Bachmann.

9:31 I like Bachman. He’s little but he’s quick.

8:40 This one could be headed for a shootout. My picks: Datsyuk, Filpula, Zetterberg.

8:39 Bachman even got the rebound on the Datsyuk backhand shot too.

7:59 Really not a good game offensively for Franzen at all. He looks kind of lost out there.

6:24. SHOT! Bachman has no idea where it is. It doesn’t matter. He’ll stop it anyway.

5:34 Franzen is gassed.

3:36 Dallas is tired. They can barely get the puck out of their zone.

3:11 My computer is about to die.

3:00 Of course when I go get my charger the Red Wings get a scoring chance.

2:35 Totally forgot I was counting how many times the Red Wings defensemen lost races to the puck — again. There’s one.

1:26 Ken Daniels’ voice gets high before things even happen. He’s like a scoring chance whisperer.

:19 I’m 2-for-2 on Overtime when I go with Random Thoughts.

:08 Datsyuk is 0-for-2 on his last two clutch faceoffs. Lost to Toews on Sunday too.

OT

4:00 Wow Lidstrom just got dusted. He’s playing like he was two years ago, where you could see he had kind of lost it.

2:52 Filpulla, don’t do the cross the blue line, cut across, and give a little drop pass thing. That works 5% of the time.

1:46 This might be foreshadowing a future article, but if Dallas tries to shoot instead of deke on Jimmy then they probably aren’t going to score in the shootout. Scratch that. It’s Conklin instead of Jimmy. Where have I been all game?

:13 Huge faceoff win from Ott. He beat both Datsyuk and Zetterberg on clutch faceoffs this game.

Shootout

Dastyuk. OH! Beauty of a move. Goes back hand to the forehand then hits the post.

Eriksson had a little window, just buried it off the post.

Hudler. I don’t like the selection.

And then he makes me look like a fool. It looked like he lost the puck and then just decided to pull a Zetterberg. HA! That was awesome.

That old guy next to the dude in the blue shirt is very angry

Conklin with the stop on the basic shot on Ryder. Huge Stop.

Tuzzi. Slapper? Really? Vary the speed up a little bit, do something. You’re shot isn’t that good.

Daley. Nice Move. Good stretch by Conklin to make the stop.

Wow. I didn’t even realize the Red Wings won. Good for them.

"Hey, I know it's completely ridiculous to put you in skates and gloves while you're wearing suits and ties. But we need to make this realistic. Give a half-hearted hook to McGuire."

Playing on national television is a special thing. You supposedly get the eyes of the nation. (When you’re stuck on the channel formally known as Versus that’s up for debate.) You get the national pregame show, lead the post-game highlights and have the big-name announcers calling the game.

In theory the broadcasting team should be the best. The more eyes and ears that are focused on the station, the more prestigious the job.  The more prestigious, the higher the pay. The more prestigious and the higher the pay, the more people that want it. The more people the want it, the better the selection, which leads to only the best being selected. It’s a simple display of logic.

Yet, any veteran of NBC or the station formerly known as Versus knows that isn’t the case. The Red Wings are tied for the most nationally-broadcast games in the league this season*. For 16 times this season we either have been or will be exposed to the enigma that is Pierre McGuire.

I’m sure Pierre McGuire is a fine man. He’s probably a loving father and husband. He’s probably an extremely smart guy who knows a lot about hockey. But there isn’t one person I’ve ever come in contact with, either in-person or through email, Facebook, Twitter, Linkedin, Tout, Friendster, Myspace, AIM, or Pidgeon Carrier that enjoys Pierre McGuire as a broadcaster or analyst.

*(There are flex games later in the season, but going off the schedule, Detroit, Boston and the Rangers are all tied with 16 national TV appearances)

As I was thinking about what I was thinking about and writing it down during the Red Wings-Blackhawks game, Pierre kept popping up in my thoughts. How does someone so despised by everyone stay around? And I mean everyone.

Search Pierre McGuire and the second Google auto is “is creepy.” The internet is littered with people player hating on him. Pierre McGuire creeps out Rob Ray  has over 100,000 YouTube Views. “Pierre McGuire is Effin Creepy” has over 250,000. It continues on. You have lists of his “icky” lines about Sidney Crosby. A “Canadian Hockey Fans United Against Pierre McGuire” petition has over 1,400 signatures. A thread titled “Pierre McGuire sucks – reasons why” is eight pages long.

This isn’t a Detroit thing or Toronto thing or an American hockey fans don’t understand thing. People every where legitimately hate him. So with a number of Red Wings regular season games on the national TV schedule, the only way I’ll be able to watch without focusing on the broadcasting is to answer the question: Why is Pierre McGuire employed?

To Pierre’s credit (I say Pierre like we’re friends) he’s a decent interviewer. After Todd Bertuzzi won the game in overtime, McGuire got Bertuzzi to call Datsyuk the greatest player he’s ever played with. He has hockey credentials. He won two Stanley Cups as an assistant coach and scout for the Pittsburgh Penguins. Why that doesn’t seem to translate to his analysis is up to debate.

But in any other business, an employee that people hated wouldn’t remain employed — especially if the position isn’t necessary anyway.

(Seriously, do we need a guy to stand in-between the benches?)

Is he there so fans can talk about how they hate him so much, using the old cliché that any advertising is good advertising? The thing is, no one knows. There hasn’t been a national broadcast without Pierre. Executives have no idea how much better or worse  fans see the broadcast.

That can’t be the reason.

Maybe it’s that we know the name. We know who he is. We know he’s creepy. New things scare people. Pierre provides continuity. But new things also change the world. Again, there hasn’t been a Mike Emrick, Eddie Olczyk broadcast without Pierre. Who knows what  would be better or worse?

Maybe it’s the chemistry between Emrick, Olczyk and McGuire. But then again, is it really that good? Do people really think of three as a solid team. Last Sunday it was the Emrick and Olczyk team — with Pierre McGuire.

So what’s the reason?

The theory goes like this: Pierre McGuire is there because he’s there. Pierre McGuire was in the right time in the right place. It’s easier to keep him than let him go. It’s not like there is any competition. If you want to watch the Red Wings play the Blackhawks on Saturday, January 14, you are watching whatever broadcast team NBC throws out there.

So let Pierre go. Accept him. Forget about him. Do whatever you have to do. It’s not his fault he’s on TV. That’s on the executives.

1st period

Jakub. YAK-CUB. That’s fun to say. When has a J ever turned into a y? That’s not even a standard European thing.

Pass it, Emmerton.

Terrible pass, Emmerton.

Hey look! A dog.

The bouncing puck is tough on a goalie. If there was a defensemen who perfected a bounce shot from the point, he would be unstoppable on the power play. Every time he shot it would be a scoring chance. It would be almost like a real life knuckle puck.

Pierre McGuire is stuffed in that little booth in-between the benches. Do you think he has to stand the whole game?

Franzen, Bertuzzi and Datsyuk on a line? You would think you want to split up the power forwards onto different lines. But at the same time, Franzen and Bertuzzi fit well with Datsyuk. Pavel can get them the puck.

Datsyuk with some sick sauce to Franzen.

(Ian White’s shot gets tipped in by Holmstrom) FRANZEN! OH! White, YES! How did that go in. Great tip by Holmstrom. I’m not sure he was even paying attention when the puck hit his stick.

Wait. Why was Lidstrom in front of the net? Do they do this a lot and I just haven’t noticed it? No, that would be a dumb power play set up. Why did I think that. Lidstrom is one of the best at getting his shot through.

Nice shot by White, nice play by Datsyuk after hitting the saucer pass. Great freaking tip by Holmstrom. Why was Lidstrom in front of the net? Who cares. 1-0.

Mike Emrick, stop calling Jimmy Howard, James. It’s not funny.

Who brings their three-month old to a hockey game? I don’t care if you are the starting goalie of the Red Wings. What is that kid going to do? It’s not like he’s going to remember these moments?

BERTUZZI! 2-0! Nice backhand move. It was ugly but effective.

That was a blind pass from Datsyuk. He had no idea who the hell he was throwing that pass to. Bertuzzi was just the lucky recipient.

JIM-MAH

Jim-mah.

Would I watch a game that was entirely in slow motion? Why yes, yes I would. That would take like 15 hours though. OK, maybe not the whole game, just the exciting parts.

Since when did we think that sending a camera man to the concourse to catch the backs of people’s heads while walking was captivating television?

Oh, Ericson, OH! HELM! Post? Post, did that hit the post?

Last minute of play. That guy’s got a good gig. That’s pretty much all he announces now. Last minute of play. Wait is that guy dead and do they just use a recording? That would be kind of cool and kind of creepy at the same time.

2^nd period

TEBOWWWWWW! (That was part what I was thinking at the time, part a shameless play to get search engine hits. I suppose I could have gone more shameless if I really wanted the hits thought)

Pierre McGuire is such a joke. I’ve never heard him say anything I didn’t already know. His latest comment on Mike Babcock, “He doesn’t lay off, he coaches hard the entire game.”

Pierre just took 30 seconds to tell me the Red Wings decided to put Datysuk on the ice.

I still don’t understand how Toews can be pronounced Tayes.

Joel Reheinquist of the Hersey Bears uses a wood stick. That’s just dumb. Maybe that’s why he’s on the Hersey Bears

Pierre said the Red Wings have had some good stretch passes. “They’re utilizing the no two-line pass rule.” That rule stopped like 8 years ago, Pierre.

That’s some weird tape on Jamal Mayers’ stick. It seemed like he had a horizontal tape job on there.

Nice shot Setterberg. Typo. Setterberg would be a way better name then Zetterberg. He wouldn’t have as cool of a nickname though.

Jimmy Howard is really good.

Classic Patrick Kane. Get the puck in the offensive zone, dominate, then when the puck comes in the neutral zone and he coasts and gets off the ice. No defense.

Jimmy Howard, that was embarrassing. 2-1. Lacksidaiscal. He knew he was beaten. That might have been a bad bounce but Jimmy was kind of lolly aging back there. Terrible. Teribble.

Ok that was terrible bounce. Howard doesn’t look as bad as I originally thought.

3^rd Period

Stuart just secretly punched Leddy in the head. That was awesome.

Good hand-eye Cleary, batting it out of the air to send a bouncer in on Howard. Good hand-eye from Jimmy too in making the stop.

Great stop by Jimmy. And another. And Another. AAAANNND Another.

The Red Wings need some speed on their backend. White is the only defenseman who can keep up with the speedy forwards in the corner. The Wings have been getting beat to pucks in their own zone for a while now.

My apartment smells like trash.

Maybe that’s just me.

Justin Abdelkader just pulled a mini Charlie Conway. He dove across the goal line to stop a sure goal. The puck didn’t hit him the chest, but it was just as awesome.

Jimmy Howard, never do that again. (Come out of the crease and try to bat the puck out of the air.)

I don’t know how Jimmy is seeing any of these shots.

This is crazy.

Great defense by Filppula on the PK. He collapsed down and support and tie up the guy in the slot.

BREAKAWAY! Why go fivehole? Everyone goes five hole. Crawford had the paddle down. One move and you score. Why Drew Miller? Why are you on the team?

There hasn’t been a whistle in like 5 minutes.

Pierre uses the this has a playoff-hockey atmosphere cliché. Thanks Pierre!

Seriously, stop calling him James, Mike Emerick. You’re making me angry.

Zetterberg, slapshot. OHHHH! Post! The crowd thought it was in. Idiots.

(Chicago ties the game off of a faceoff play) Oh my god. That was terrible. Terrible face off loss for Datsyuk. He lost it cleanly. All he’s got to do is tie up the stick.

That wasn’t a one-timer Pierre.

OT

Look at Datsyuk. He knows it’s his fault.

Franzen seriously has the best wrist shot on the team.

It looks like he’s barely moving but Franzen just walks around people.

My Shootout selections: Franzen, Zetterberg, Bertuzzi.

Great Background fan shot here. Is that lady in the middle crying? The lady on the right is fired up too. The guy on the left just seems a little creepy.

Detroit is dominating, It needs to score before the shootout. That’s how it always works. Dominate the overtime, but if you don’t score then the other team wins the shoot out.

Nice job by Kronwall to sweep the legs with his stick when hitting Toews.

Great tip pass by Bertuzzi to Filppula when getting the puck out of the zone

Shortside Fillpula, Bertuzzi! BERTUZZI! Ball game.

It was all about the tip pass. The tip pass started everything.

How does this man do what he does?

When the Red Wings played the Islanders, for the first time in a long time, maybe ever, I watched Johan Franzen play. I didn’t just notice when he had the puck or get mad when he let his man go in the defensive zone. I truly watched him.

What I saw was a man with the most aptly named nickname of all time.

A mule doesn’t fit in. It tries to prance around like a horse but it’s pot-belly just makes it kind of awkward. It looks just similar enough to be grouped in with the horses, but it’s strange ears clearly separate it from it’s more beautiful brethren. If there was an animal schoolyard, the horses would pick on the mule, surrounding him a circle. Then the mule, out of nowhere, would throw a kick, bust out of the circle attach himself to the school and drag the school down the road.

Where did that come from?

***

Franzen looks kind of funny. His body is so big he kind of hunches over when he skates.

His linemate, Henrik Zetterberg, goes into the corners with a certain grace. He’s got a good change of direction. Franzen is nothing like that.

Watching him against the Islanders, I saw a guy float. Without the puck, in the middle of the ice, he just bided his time until someone did the dirty work to give him the puck. It barely seems like he’s moving some of the time. Along the boards, he gets going one way, and if anything is coming the other way, they’re screwed. But the change of direction isn’t there. He looks slow.

He’s big. He’s strong. But he can’t move as well as his more beautifully skating brethren, he can be beaten to the outside. Get him in the circle and you may be able to bully the big man. Until he gets the puck.

It was a small moment in a 5-1 loss, but it showed what he why Franzen has become JOHAN FRRRAAANNNZZEEN, the clutch playoff scorer, the one who can go off for five goals if the situation is right (like he did on February 2nd). With the Red Wings moving from left to right, Zetterberg was in the  far corner and slide the puck back  to the slot. With the way the camera angles work, you couldn’t see who the pass was for. The puck just kind of meandered back to no one.

Just when the puck was about to go out frame, a stick caught it. It was Franzen’s. Up until that point, he had done nothing productive. Just floated. He would end the game without a shot on goal. Here, he took one stride, picked the top right corner, and just missed it. It was one of those plays where you see it happening. You fly to the edge of your couch. You start to celebrate early. When he missed, both fans let out the classic, “OOOOOOOOH.” It was a classic Johan Franzen moment.

Where did that come from?

Johan Franzen is the mule. He’s also perhaps the Red Wings’ most important offensive piece. Obviously Jimmy Howard is the biggest piece. But in front of him, other teams will concern themselves with Pavel Datsyuk. Henrik Zetterberg will just be the two-way guy he’s always been. If there’s one player who can raise or lower their level at a point when he is needed, it’s Franzen more than anybody else.

The Red Wings better be hoping we see those Johan Franzen moments as the season winds down. They need them.

I’ve seen how he acts. It’s a controlled chaos, storming up and down the sidelines and berating officials before everything is released with a well timed fistpump…or two…or four.

Thumbs up if you're having a good time!

I’ve heard him in interviews. Sometimes he’s angry. But most of the time he’s not.  When he isn’t, he just speaks dryly about his players, using a coaching cliche, pausing, and then saying something boring to transition into another coaching cliche.

I know he comes from a defensive background.

I’m well aware Jim Schwartz is a football coach. I’m just not sure how he’s different from the thousand of coaches loitering around the places wherever NFL coaches go.

Think about the three years Schwartz in Detroit. What has been their identity?

The first two years they didn’t have one. This year it wasn’t Schwartz team as much as it was his players’. On offense Matt Stafford, Calvin Johnson and a stable of injured running backs forced the Lions to become a mini version of Tom Brady’s throw-at-all-costs Patriots.

The defense got its identity from Ndamukong Suh. When he dominated they were a dominate defense. When he threw quarterbacks to the ground they were dirty. When he stomped on some Packers, they whole defense was classless.

Why isn't Schwartz looking at Harbaugh?

Sure, Schwartz played a part in these identities. Slow-motion replays of him yelling at other coaches and celebrating a victory over Minnesota by yelling profanities played into the Bad Guy identity. But as for the Lions’ play on the field, it’s hard to point to a specific area where Schwartz made his mark. That’s why it’s tough to judge his coaching performance.

It could have been a brilliant job. He adjusted his systems to fit his personnel. His offense had to throw so it threw. His defense was good up front and bad on the back end, so he adjusted his scheme to give the secondary all the help possible.  Maybe he convincing Stephen Tulloch to sign with Detroit was the piece that made the difference. Maybe his impact can’t be seen on the field but in the locker room as he motivated his players.

But how much different would this season have been had there been a different NFL-caliber coach? The decisions were made for him. No running back? Throw quick passes to simulate a run game. Secondary sucks? Let your defensive line do most of the work. Lose a game to San Francisco and have Jim Harbaugh maybe, possibly say something to you and slap you on the back a little too hard? Run after him and try to start a fight.

Ok maybe the last one would have been different.

There’s no denying that Schwartz had the players to be a playoff team, unlike his counterpart in Handshake-a-gedden 2012. Harbaugh took almost the same 49er team, including a quarterback who had done nothing but suck in the NFL and get a first-round bye out of them. That was a coaching job. Schwartz, on the other hand, feels different. To his credit, he never underachieved. But there was never a moment when we could tangibly see Schwartz give his team a boost. Because of that, it just kind of feels like he was along for the ride.

Then again, I’m not willing to risk taking that ride with anybody else.

Sometimes we all need a hug

The Saints didn’t need it; they just did it because Drew Brees could.

Brees hit Robert Meachem on a deep pass to the right down to the Detroit 1-yard line. New Orleans was up 10 with four minutes left. Two first downs won the game. All the Saints had to do was run the ball. Instead they put it up for the dunk one more time. That’s when it was obvious: The Lions were never going to win this game.

Sure, they had chances that would have put them up two scores. Eric Wright and Aaron Berry had interceptions go through their wickets. A ref blew an easy scoop and score dead. When Detroit got their turnovers they didn’t score off them. They were all missed opportunities. But the longer this went on, the more clearly we were able to see that New Orleans would have just responded anyway.

Maybe the Saints were toying with them. Maybe Roger Goddell saw what everyone else did before the game, that this was the worst possible matchup for the Lions, and told Brees to lay off the jugular until the second half. I’m sure the conspiracy theorists can come up with more complicated situations than that too. There was just no alternative outcome to this game.

In a way this was classic Detroit football. Give the fans little to hope going into the game. Then slowly, the Lions played where thoughts started racing in fans’ heads.

This time it’s different. It’s the playoffs, anything can happen. It’s just like Little Giants: They might beat us 19 times out of 20, but there’s always that one time.

But fans aren’t stupid. It’s still the Lions. That’s why it was the hollowest 14-10 halftime lead in the history of the playoffs. The Lions needed everything to go right for them to win in the Superdome. By the time they hit the locker room at the half, their chances to put some doubt in the foregone conclusion was already missed.

Despite clutching to that little sliver of hope like a preteen girl hanging on to one of Justin Bieber’s locks, we all know what was going to happen when the teams came back out. It was only a matter of time before the mistakes killed the Lions. The missed tackles slowly added up. The blown coverages happened all at once. By the time Robert Meachem danced into the endzone with no one around him for 10 yards early in the fourth quarter, it was time to step back and let it go.

Chalk it up to gaining experience. It’s not worth breaking down how the Lions supposedly dominant defensive line was stuffed, giving Drew Brees a cumulative three hours to throw the ball. Just look at the big picture: the Lions have come a long way.

They went from 0-16 to 10-6 in three years. Matt Stafford has become a legitimate franchise quarterback. Calvin Johnson has become unequivocally the best receiver in the NFL. Detroit has finally given the title of NFL’s Laughing Stock to someone else.

But there are still holes to fill. The secondary needs a tune-up. The offensive line could use another piece. So after all the successes and streaks of ineptitude that were broken this year, the season ends with the same message as all the others.

There’s always next year.