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The five worst giveaways of the 2013 Detroit Tigers season

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(EDIT: Here are the best giveaways of the season.)

I didn’t plan on making this a yearly thing, but sometimes you run low on ideas, realize you have the 2013 giveaway schedule bookmarked and get angry at the crap the Tigers are trying to give the fans. So just like I did last year, I’ll provide you with all the games you need to get to in order to get some of the marginally useful free stuff and all the games you need to miss so I can spare you the extra three steps you take as you throw out your souvenir giveaway on the way out of the door.

There are some slight changes to the list this season. We’re only talking giveaways. All the theme nights and special events are up to you to figure out. Or don’t figure them out. It’s a lot more exciting when you walk into the ballpark and realize it’s Christmas in July.

The five worst giveaways of the season come today. The five best come on Friday. Let’s get to it.

No. 5: 2014 magnet schedule (first 10,000 fans), September 20 vs. White Sox: I understand the premise behind this. It comes on the last weekend of the season. It’s a little keepsake for the fans to stay loyal by. The problem is, you’re giving away a schedule a full five months before the season begins. Best case scenario is you’re going to have this magnet on your fridge for the entire offseason and keep it up throughout the rest of next year, looking at it a grand total of four times. But let’s be honest, even that isn’t going to happen. That thing is going to be lost by Christmas.

No. 4: Detroit Tigers team photo (first 10,000 fans over 18 years or older), September 21 vs. White Sox (yes, one day after the magnet schedule): 18 and older? What kind of team photo is this?

No. 3: 1968 45th anniversary commemorative coin (first 10,000 fans), May 25 vs. Twins: This has the potential to be one of those things that you put up that looks a lot more expensive than it is, but at the end of the day, it’s only a coin. Plus, there’s no way anybody makes it through the car ride home without losing it.

No. 2:  Baseball card magnet frame (all kids), July 28 vs. Phillies – You’re don’t get a card, only a frame. Even if little Johnny has a favorite card and wants to keep it in the frame, where’s he going to put it? There’s really only one magnetized thing in the house any more, and that’s the refrigerator. Let’s face it parents, you’re not going to let Justin Verlander’s ugly face of exertion look you in the face every time you want some OJ. This frame isn’t making it on the fridge. It’s likely going rest on a dresser somewhere, and the magnetized part is ever so slightly going to mess with whatever electronic thing Johnny piles on top of it. It may be one of the only giveaways that does more harm than good.

No. 1 Doug Fister mouse pad (first 10,00 fans), May 13 vs. Astros – Seriously? A mousepad? Is this 1998? Mouse pads aren’t a required item now and they’re only falling further and further into the past. If mouse pads aren’t obsolete already, they will be by the time we hit May.

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