The Lions have no choice. It’s time for them to embrace who they are.
Aaron Berry was arrested for DUI early Tuesday morning. If you’re keeping score, that’s six in the arrests in the offseason. This is less than nine months after Ndamukong Suh showed suburban kids that curb stomping is a real thing, attempting one on the field with no curbs even remotely in the vicinity, less than a year after Jim Schwartz was doing professional wrestler-style taunts on the sidelines and became a maniac when he got patted the back a little too hard and about two years after the Lions own president, Tom Lewand, was arrested for DUI after a charity golf event.
Yes, the Lions are once again the laughing stock of the NFL. And yes, their image, at least this year, won’t be repaired. Every mention of the Lions in the early going, every feature on an NFL pregame show, every color analyst at every game will speak of a “tumultuous offseason.” But this year, the laughs are coming for a different reason. Jay Leno’s not cracking unfunny jokes about the win-loss record.
And as much the Lions have dug themselves into a hole, all they need to do is keep digging until they hit China.
NFL teams win with federal prisoners all the time it’s just that the general public seems to forget about that in favor of the feel-good story line of triumph and hope and naiveté that sports is a microcosm of life and in life the good guys win.
But no NFL team has won because its players are criminals. The Lions have chance to become the first. Don’t worry dumdum, I’ll explain.
First let’s establish that people have a legitimate reason to hate the organization, and, with a few slight adjustments, it can become the most hated in the NFL.
Don’t fine or suspend Aaron Berry. Put him in the starting lineup. In fact, don’t put players in the starting lineup UNLESS they have a DUI.
Start giving steroids to fringe guys. If it makes them more apt to help the team, great. If they caught, that’s even better.
Have Jim Schwartz call a press conference just so he can make mean comments about somebody, preferably Jay Cutler and his toughness. Make sure he uses that a ‘p’ word or two.
Have more pictures come out of Matt Stafford ripping shots of bikini-clad girls’ stomachs. Make sure he doesn’t apologize and calls one of the media members fat.
Make sure Calvin Johnson starts calling people out. He’ll call out Ochocinco for being a clown, then use all of Ochocinco’s tactics to call out cornerbacks. When Ochocinco responds, Johnson can casually mention that the Ochocinco News Network isn’t a real network.
With that, the Lions become the sports world’s biggest target. Every game becomes national news. Roger Goodell publicly speaks out against them. Everyone even some of their own fans are disgusted with them. Well everyone but the locker room.
The season is one long Us vs. the World, ‘We’ll show them!’ journey. The guys band together in the locker room and take it out on their opponents. Jim Schwartz becomes a biblical figure to them and the media’s nightmare and Goodell’s own personal Hell. They play chippy. They fight dirty.
Ask most championship teams what was different about that year and they’ll say much everybody came together. It takes a special kind of bond to win a championship. It’s a tough thing to cultivate. Turning a country against an entire team just might do it.
It would be the most fun I’ve ever had.
If you took this article completely seriously I feel sorry for you. But then again, the Lions are already the Bad Boys of the NFL. Why not win some games because of it?