I’ve got to be honest, I wasn’t expecting to be writing this.
With work picking up, the holidays this weekend and finals looming, I needed to prioritize. Unfortunately, this blog is usually the first thing to go when time starts running low (on the other hand, if you were to give me money, then we could work something out). So, despite promising the follow up to the best giveaways of the season, I realized I would have to give up on it in order to get the other things done. I was going to take a week or two off from dropping semi-funny things on the internet to you know, actually do useful things.
Then James Mungro Memorial Award Winner Chris Bootcheck started following me on Twitter. I couldn’t leave him hanging. I had to at least give him one more update.
That hiatus will still come, but not after I show old RHP that this is worth being a part of.
Let’s just get into what I promised the people.
Worst 5 Games/giveaways this season
1. July 2, vs. Minnesota: Alex Avila Floppy Hat — Just two days before the best giveaway of the season, the Tigers roll out their worst. Floppy hats may be functional, but when’s the last time you saw a floppy hat in public? When’s the last time you saw a floppy hat you didn’t make fun of? Adding a weird pattern of Avila’s signature, Old English D’s and a bad sketch of Avila swinging doesn’t add anything.
Go and you’ll get something you’ll stare at all game and wonder what were they thinking with a design on something you won’t wear. When you do look up, you’ll be watching a game against a team that could be the worst in the league. Bad times all around.
2. August 18, vs. Baltimore: Elvis Night — It’s a night that’s been so played out Jay-Z is making a remix off of it. You’ve seen Elvis night before. If you haven’t its exactly what you think it is: a bunch of old people and weirdos dressing up like Elvis, being so committed that they won’t remove their polyester even as they swelter in the August heat. Enjoy all the sweat droplets that fell into your drink when you put it in the cupholder next to the 40-pounds-overweight Elvis sitting adjacent to you.
3. June 17, vs. Colorado: Scout Parade, Kids get Powder Blue Wristbands — I’m all about getting to see teams that don’t usually come to Comerica Park, but not with this atrocity getting in the way.
Parades lacking cool floats, giant balloons and strong winds are boring in general. When that parade is solely a bunch of 12 year kids walking in a line and getting the privilege solely because their parents signed a waiver and bought them a uniform is a near vomit-inducing affair. Unless I’m misunderstanding the term, “scout parade,” in which case it’s a bunch of old guys and former players who spend their time being semi-creepy and driving to high school games across the country. Still, it’s nothing you want to see.
Plus, it’s father’s day and all you can give away is a blue wristband (presumably for prostate cancer awareness), and restrict it solely to kids? First of all, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but those fell out of fashion in 2007. Secondly, you can’t give something to the adults in attendance, many of whom are fathers who spend their entire year pushing their little brats around and only expect thanks one day out of the year? That’s Busch League Tigers. Total Busch League. Even if you’re not a father avoid this game in protest.
4. July 6, vs. Kansas City: Country Night — It’s exactly like Elvis Night, instead of overweight men you’ll be sitting next to a bunch a douchy college and high school kids who think its really cool to pretend how much of a country bumpkin they are and want to prove how much they like country music by yelling all the songs and not-so-subtly trying to show off their cowboy boots, which they bought solely for this game.
5. May 2, vs. Kansas City: Weather day — High pressure systems, cloud cover and determining the chance for participation is boring. The Kansas City Royals are boring.
I’m not at baseball game to learn about things. I’m there to, you know, watch. I’m there to be entertained and forget about everything I’ve had to learn over the past week. Don’t try to slide it in there like some sort of kids show. I’m on to you Tigers.
Best Games to go to if you hate your kids
August 26, vs. Los Angeles Angels: Back-to-school insulated lunch bag.
September 2, vs. Chicago White Sox: Back-to-school supply case
There’s nothing worse for a kid than going back to school. As the days dwindle the cloud hangs over you as you try increasingly hard to squeeze every last ounce out of the precious summer. It’s the equivalent of waiting for a court date for a crime you knew you committed. The only thing to do is cherish the time you have left and put the thoughts of your impending doom out of your mind.
So nothing sticks it your kid as much as bringing him to a ball game, an experience that epitomizes summer fun, and then handing him a reminder of his upcoming prison sentence as soon as he walks through the gate.
But hey, it’ll be funny for you.