For those of you who missed last night’s Tigers game, you missed a decent brawl by baseball standards. At least there was contact in this one, unlike so many of the “fights” that occur in baseball. Here is the gist of what happened. Cabrera was hit in the second and had to leave the game. Porcello, like a good pitcher should, responded. He hit Youkilis square in the back which resulted in a little altercation at the mound. Youkilis charged and was embarrassed in front of his home crowd as Porcello threw him over his hip like he was a sack of potatoes. It was a pretty solid move. YouTube already has it covered: It then escalated into what all brawls turn into in baseball. One guy on each team wants to go, but there are 75 guys holding him back on each team. After realizing that Rick Porcello needs a nickname, the fight got me thinking.
Baseball brawls should be as fun as hockey fights. Whenever there is good a chance people are going to punch each other in the face it is entertaining. The UFC runs their whole business on this premise. Yet, baseball fights lack the excitement of any other fight on the planet. I would rather watch kids in the sandbox duke it out before watching 90% of baseballs scuffles. The problem is that it is lawless. All good fights have a set of written or unwritten rules. Even hockey fights have rules that are rarely violated: One-on-One fights only; no gloves, no sticks, no helmets; no kicks; If the guys is injured or down you stop; you don’t talk about Fight Club. Ok I made that last one up. But seriously you don’t. After hours of YouTube videos, I am here to bring some order and exhilaration to the baseball fight.
Rule #1: The pitcher stays on the mound and fights like a man. Not only is this the most important rule, it is also an excuse to show the Rod Allen video again: That is not how a brawl should go. Think about how much better that video would have been had Allen caught the little Japanese man and reverse suplexed him over his head. It would be shown at the end of every Sports Center segment, regardless of topic. Seriously though, if you’re a pitcher you know what could happen if you hit this guy square in the back with a 95 MPH fastball. Don’t run away. Stand there and have a little honor. Even Porcello ran galloped toward the first baseline before showing Youkilis what was up. That’s unacceptable. Nolan Ryan, the greatest fighting pitcher of all time just stood there, waited for whoever the punk was to reach him and promptly kicked the bejesus out of him. Fight with some pride pitchers, you can take the hitters.
#2 No extraneous equipment. Pitchers drop the glove, Hitter’s drop the bat, take off the helmet and then charge the mound. Taking the bat with you goes a little too far. Wielding your bat turns it into a mob hit while throwing your helmet at the pitcher, like Youkilis did last night, makes you look like a wuss. The charge is fun without the helmet. That split second where no one knows if the hit batsman is going low for the tackle or aiming for the head on a running hay maker is top 5 the most exciting split second in a baseball season. Hitters also look tougher when they take the only protective equipment they are wearing off before going into a bar-knuckle grudge match.
#3 Pitcher and hitter take the first fight one-on-one. As funny as it is to pull a Mo Vaughn, the pitcher and hitter are the ones who started the donnybrook, they should at least get what they came out there to do. If you really want to take someone down be pro-active and get another fight going before the first one breaks up. That way it will spread out the skirmishes and the umpires and managers can’t quell the fights as easily. After the first fight though, it is fair game on anybody.
#4 Catchers stay out of it. I know the catchers are supposed to stick up for their pitchers and all of that crap but if the pitcher is going to get pummeled he should not have plunked the hitter. Even if the catcher wanted to get in the middle of the scrum he couldn’t with all the equipment he was wearing. It wouldn’t be fair for him not to feel body shots the same body shots he is dishing out. The only thing catchers should do is run some interference on the umpires. Remember in Making the Band 2(The DA BAND years) when Ness and Freddie P were fighting and Babs was yelling “Let’em Fight! Let’em Fight,” while the producers were trying to break it up. That is what the catchers should do. All you catchers out there just be Babs…and don’t run into Izzy Alcantra:
#5 The bullpen should be ready to fight at all time. This is essential. Brawls go from ok to spectacular when the bullpen gets involved. The very nature of the bullpen condones fighting. A bunch of guys in a giant cage just sitting around doing nothing should be strategizing on what they are going to do when they get the chance. We should be seeing WWE tag team moves from the middle reliever and bullpen catcher. Who cares if your bullpen catcher gets a 50 game suspension for dropkicking Big Papi? He will be a hero in the team’s hometown. The two most important things teams should look for when staffing their bullpen should be balls and/or speed. The guys in bullpen have to hustle to get into the fray before it is too late. Either that or they have to have the testicular fortitude to pull a Bertuzzi (without the slamming of the guy headfirst into the ground) after everything is settled down. Oh and if you don’t want to fight stay in the bullpen. There is nothing more disgraceful in a brawl than half-heartedly jogging into the television screen five minutes after the commotion has died down. Chan Ho Park should be on a major league roster until he is 50 with his crazy karate moves (scroll down for video). That is what a relief pitcher should be, absolutely crazy.
This is by no means is the complete list of rules. I undoubtedly forgot some important rules, but it should get us started. Use these five simple rules and baseball brawls go from thoroughly disappointing to entertaining everytime. This time you won’t be scared of getting your hopes up because they won’t destroyed by a big pile of conversing opponents not punching each other. I just wish I saved the art of the baseball fight before Rick Porcello went to town on Youkilis.
